Choc'lat Thoughts

Monday, November 25, 2013

Back from outter space!

I was locked out of my blog. And had nothing constructive to say nor the patience to reset everything to get back in. I have not blogged in forever. My new journey is starting to actually put my thoughts on paper in a collective effort. in other words, a book. I wonder where this is going to take me. I've wanted to do so for so long, but the only time I sit still and actually put effort into writing lately has been solely for academic purposes.
I am notorious for not finishing projects, and I just hope I can finish this one.......
my posts now will be regarding progress of my book writing journey. I felt I had to find my way back in, to see where I came from. I started this blog amist much emotional turmoil, and to help me sort through and reflect upon some things I thought I had moved past. I guess it was my first attempt at public writing, and it was only right that I start here again, when I start this new venture. I don't even know if anyone reads my blog. I see almost 2000 views, but very few comments. I dont know if it even matters, I just cant hold onto the thoughts anymore, perhaps they'll help someone else. Or me. hopefully me. but if not, they have found escape from my head. Lets see if people will actually pay to read my thoughts now. That is if I finish. ahem, WHEN I Finish!.

Choc'lat

Friday, February 19, 2010

something new

Ive been away for a few. Regrouping and rethinking some things in my life. Most things arent what they seem at first, and I have always had the bad tendency to take it personally when things dont go well. Ive allowed people and things to push me to doubt myself, my worth and my ability to be loved for who and what I am. I thought for a while that I had begun to heal. I had moved away from that "stinkin' thinkin'" to use a recovery term. But lately things have come to light that have shown me that some of those old doubts, insecurities, and thought processes have not yet moved themselves permanently out of my mind.
Its disturbing to know that my view of myself can be so easily shaken and troubled by the subtle actions or inactions of others. Ad it was explained to me recently that during my "formative years" , those years from 4 through 12, that the trauma and change that I endured, I was not provided with the necessary strengths or information to build a greater understanding of myself, to have a true sense of self. So afterwards, I forced these secondary coping skills and ideas to be able to survive. Basically, I learned how to survive and be cope, but not how to live and be happy.
This all makes alot of sense. Im recognizing things about myself that I never knew before. I realize now when I am second guessing my own emotions, settling for treatment, friendships, familial relationships and the like that are a detrement to my wellbeing I see when I begin to go overboard, or when im not standing up for myself or my needs. Now, what am I gonna do about it?
Changes, my friends, changes............ The process is long, hard, and emotional. People have been shocked, they will be hurt, surprised, cought off guard. Oh well. I just have to stick to my feelings. No one else will look out for me as well as I can. Unfortunately I havent had parents in a long time. And the only people I truly believe were there for my good and only my good. My dear Aunt Elaine, Aunt Terri, and my mom & dad have passed on. Im on my own. They say that when a woman has experienced trauma in their formative years, that they very well may not be able to face it or deal with it until well into their late 20's. And those same young people, now adults, may very well suffer from post traumatic stress disorder when they begin to deal with some of those issues they stuffed. Well, Im here friends. And its time to deal with the good, the bad, and the Ugly. Im learning more and more about myself each day. Some days are good, some days are not so good. The mood swings are horrible. But its a process. And I have no doubt that I will come out of this a Stronger, brighter and more beautiful person!
My advice to you; if you are dealing with or not dealing with some issues or demons. Take a look at it. See it for what it is. Accept it. Its a part of you, yes, but its not who you are. You are not what you came from, what was done to you, what people said or didnt say to you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and if you stick it out, be honest with yourself. You will not only make it through the healing process, but you will make a 100% recovery and be all the better for it. My best friend always says, " it gets worse before it gets better, so just hang in there"..........And thats what I plan to do! Take care and God Bless!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Family, Love, Loss

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.

-Desmond Tutu

The Love that binds us together is a greater force than the issues that keep us apart. I dont know why it has been put on my heart, but I feel so strongly like it is my mission to bring us back together. To interscede and mediate. I expressed this desire to my sisters and I had been in a panic for a few weeks. I told her I feared that the next time we would all be together would be over someone's coffin. She Said She recieved the message, and would take it into concideration and would share it with my other sisters, and we would make plans to get together soon. I continued to pray and then..................
This past Saturday, January 16, 2009, our family Celebrated the birthday of one of our youngest members, but unfortunately, later that same evening, we also were grieved with the unexpected loss of my Uncle Carl.
As with any family, we have issues, ours, for some reason seem to keep rearing their ugly head and not allowing us to move on. I dont know how it is in other families, because I've only ever been in mine. So I wont say my family is worse than yours. I doubt it. Im not gonna air our dirty laundry, cuz Im sure we should use the same detergent. I will say that Prayer works and I wont Give up on my family. This Sunday, as I was recieving Prayer from my Pastor and First Lady for Our Family and myself to be strengthened, I was warned of some confusion that was to come, I was told to be prepared, but also given Hope that there is gonna be a breakthrough. Friends, with everything that has transpired in this last year, a breakthrough for my family, even after this tragic loss of Uncle Carl, would be worth all the trouble I've endured.
I will admit, Ive been very stressed, tired, overwhelmed, emotional. But I try to keep reminding myself that It is not about me, the battle is not mine, it is The Lord's. This is a chance to Glorify God through my actions. To Give God the Glory through my testimony of family unity through trials, and my Pastor's prophecy coming true. Let thy will be done, Lord. Let Thy will Be done.
Thank you for Carl's life, for the things he taught us. the unconditional love he showed, the hearty laughs, fishing lessons. stories, hugs. smiles. He was a great Brother, Father, Uncle. and Son. now, his work here is done, his final work, is to unite his family in celebrating that life; since You ,our Heavenly Father, have called him home. Thank you, Lord, for allowing us to have him in our lives for the appointed time.
In family life, love is the oil that eases friction, the cement that binds closer together, and the music that brings harmony.

Eva Burrows