something new

Ive been away for a few. Regrouping and rethinking some things in my life. Most things arent what they seem at first, and I have always had the bad tendency to take it personally when things dont go well. Ive allowed people and things to push me to doubt myself, my worth and my ability to be loved for who and what I am. I thought for a while that I had begun to heal. I had moved away from that "stinkin' thinkin'" to use a recovery term. But lately things have come to light that have shown me that some of those old doubts, insecurities, and thought processes have not yet moved themselves permanently out of my mind.
Its disturbing to know that my view of myself can be so easily shaken and troubled by the subtle actions or inactions of others. Ad it was explained to me recently that during my "formative years" , those years from 4 through 12, that the trauma and change that I endured, I was not provided with the necessary strengths or information to build a greater understanding of myself, to have a true sense of self. So afterwards, I forced these secondary coping skills and ideas to be able to survive. Basically, I learned how to survive and be cope, but not how to live and be happy.
This all makes alot of sense. Im recognizing things about myself that I never knew before. I realize now when I am second guessing my own emotions, settling for treatment, friendships, familial relationships and the like that are a detrement to my wellbeing I see when I begin to go overboard, or when im not standing up for myself or my needs. Now, what am I gonna do about it?
Changes, my friends, changes............ The process is long, hard, and emotional. People have been shocked, they will be hurt, surprised, cought off guard. Oh well. I just have to stick to my feelings. No one else will look out for me as well as I can. Unfortunately I havent had parents in a long time. And the only people I truly believe were there for my good and only my good. My dear Aunt Elaine, Aunt Terri, and my mom & dad have passed on. Im on my own. They say that when a woman has experienced trauma in their formative years, that they very well may not be able to face it or deal with it until well into their late 20's. And those same young people, now adults, may very well suffer from post traumatic stress disorder when they begin to deal with some of those issues they stuffed. Well, Im here friends. And its time to deal with the good, the bad, and the Ugly. Im learning more and more about myself each day. Some days are good, some days are not so good. The mood swings are horrible. But its a process. And I have no doubt that I will come out of this a Stronger, brighter and more beautiful person!
My advice to you; if you are dealing with or not dealing with some issues or demons. Take a look at it. See it for what it is. Accept it. Its a part of you, yes, but its not who you are. You are not what you came from, what was done to you, what people said or didnt say to you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and if you stick it out, be honest with yourself. You will not only make it through the healing process, but you will make a 100% recovery and be all the better for it. My best friend always says, " it gets worse before it gets better, so just hang in there"..........And thats what I plan to do! Take care and God Bless!