Forgive myself first..... Thankfully, God Forgives us all.

Ive been struggling lately friends. I have a serious problem. Besideds the real serious problem thats dominating my life, or rather, im trying not to let it dominate my life. Right now, I am working on forgiveness. The ability to forgive is one that evades alot of us. Personally, I find it so much easier to forgive someone for wrongs against me, than it is for me to forgive myself for the things that I have done.
I know that I serve a forgiving and Loving God, but  and I interject this 'but' with the utmost reverence for God's holiness. God Forgives, but do we? Do I? Ive recently uncovered a sense of unworthiness in myself that is stronger than any I have ever known. Ive spent my whole life enduring and making it from one tragedy to the next. In the midst, I've made some horrible choices, and set in motion a series of events that have taken control of my life. I pray for help for my children, for my loved ones, even for my pets, help me to provide for them, help me to be more self sufficient but I never prayed for forgiveness. It was brought to my attention last night that I never once confessed to God what exactly I need to be forgiven for. I think I had tried and convicted myself for the things that I have done, things that I have said, my reactions to certain situations, and even doomed myself from the beginning for my origin.
I was reminded of something that I already knew; that God is the Final Judge, I keep myself from judging others and yet convict and sentence myself. I allow guilt and fear and self judgement to defeat me. My moods fluctuate, my enthusiasm and thirst for life becomes stagnated by looking back.
The question: How can God forgive me when I cannot forgive myself? I have sent myself so far off track. I have not acheived one goal I set for myself, and year after year, I get further from a place in life I find acceptable for me and my family.  It has never been okay for me to just get by, Ive always strived for better, hoped for more, worked for the next level. But have never acheived it. To me, I feel I failed. I failed myself, my children, my mother's memory. And I must have failed God. This negative attitude has me beat before I start the race. Subconsciously, this feeling of defeat and unworthiness led me to sabotage many good opportunities in my life. Then, the recognition of this fuels more guilt. Its a visious cycle. One I pray I can break. I stay distracted, because thats the only way Im out of my own head.
So Pray I will, and continue to, I will ask for help with my areas of weakness. I have much more faith in others than I have in myself. I have a much greater capacity to forgive others than I do for myself. But If I dont forgive myself, then I dont allow room for God to forgive me. Because the guilt that consumes me will continue to lead me down the wrong path, fool me into making the wrong decisions. And convince me that Im getting my just deserves and trick me into thinking I don't deserve better.
Psalm 130:3 says "If you, O Lord, Kept a record of sins. Or Lord, who could stand?
v 4 says: But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
I Have to remember I am a child of God, I am at his mercy, man can condem, try, and crucify you, but God will be the final Judge. If I just remember that God himself will forgive if I believe in my heart and trust in him, It will put me at ease, but not only that, It is true. Its not just a belief.
Psalm 18 says I love you O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my Rock, in whom I take refuge.
v 6 In my distress i called to the Lord, I cried to my God for help.
My cry came before him, into his ears.
v 16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me ot f eep waters,
v17 he rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
v18 They congronted me in the day of my disaste, but he lord was my support.
19. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.
I can take heart, because God forgives, even if I cannot forgive myself. I will work on it, though.
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Beacon Stuff- The Beacon Bagel

http://www.thebeaconbagel.com/

The Beacon Bagel

466 Main Street

Beacon, NY 12508

845 440 6958

I went into the Beacon Bagel on Monday morning just curious as to what it was all about. So Beacon now has a bagel Cafe? That makes its own bagels? Supporting Local farmers and allthe Eco- friendly businesses? This has gotta be good. I hope they support the local pocket. So often these stores pop up on Main Street and because the rents are so high and the cost of operations are so high, the prices of their goods and services exclude the majority of residents due to budget alone. But again, my fellow local guru, The FunkyBaker said, no, Choclat, you must try the Beacon Bagel. She had visited the day before (tryna stake the place out before me, huh?)

The bagels are kettle boiled then baked, huh? okay, i'll buy it.

but the price! ooh Lord, thats where you stopped me dead in my tracks. She said she paid 2.95 cents for a cinnamon raisin bagel with walnut raisin creme cheese, and it was good, but geesh, was it necessary to be that steep? Now, I've got to check it out for myself.

So, off I went after dropping the kids off at school the next day, SQ Bank Coffeehouse Caramel Latte in hand (perfectly made, might I add) on a mission to find the Beacon Bagel. It sits on the east end of main street, Just after the Beacon Bath-n-Bubble another of my favorite stores i'll save for another write up:) I walk in, and am hit by the overpowering aroma of fresh Onion bagels. Wonderful, except I really dont want this smell to permeate my dreadlocks and take up residence there. But a good smell for a Bagel place, nonetheless.

I was pleasantly greeted by who I presume to be the owner, I neglectfully failed to ask her name. Shame on me, and ordered an egg bagel toasted with creme cheese. Yes. Simple, I know. But, hey, Im on a budget, Its a recession, you know.

I was tempted to step outside while I waited because I could feel the onion seeping into my dreadlocks, but im glad i didnt. I was rung up by a pleasant sounding young man for a grand total of $2.45. WAIT, WHAT? Im sorry, The sound of the cash register in my head muffled what you just said, I could have sworn you asked me for Two dollars and forty five cents and I distinctly recall ordering an egg bagel with plain creme cheese. "yes, well the bagel is .95c itself......" he trailed off. So, waiting for an explanation for what must be Hand- churned creme cheese costing 1.45, I probably stood there, mouth agape. No further explanation was to follow. SMH. "Okay, let me get this straight", I started. No, you know what, im just gonna have to have butter, because I can go pay $1.45 at key food for a whole container of key food brand creme cheese and call it a day. (this i thought, i did not tackily say it out loud) I politely paid what amounted to $1.35 for my toasted bagel with butter (making it $0.45 c butter) and made my exit.

Okay, so after the initial shock of the over priced bagels, High priced creme cheese, walnuts or not, I sat in my car, called the FunkyBaker and she said "I told you I paid that much!" I dont know what I expected. I was hoping she mighta got GOT and they came to their senses by Monday morning. No such luck. So, the bagel It was okay. yep, Just okay. Nothing special. For what they charge, you woulda thunk it was the best damn Bagel in a 10 mile radius! Damn sure not worth what I paid. Im sorry. Not being negative. Just stating my opinion

So good things about the Beacon Bagel?

They have a twitter!!! I love all things twitter @beaconbagel

follow them for daily specials. Maybe I should have done this before Monday, Ya think?

As previously stated, they make the bagels in the store, so okay they cost a little more for a reason. Im still not happy with the creme cheese cost tho. I dont see anything special about that. The place is clean, open, there are tables to sit, coffee, tea, and other beverages are available, Local and world newspapers available for purchase and as is almost evrything in Beacon nowadays, the bagels are Gluten free.  

So basically, Go to the Beacon Bagel on Pay day. Or when rich relatives come into town. The prices are not for the everyday Beacon resident. its just not realistic. Im sorry. No, Im not sorry. I can appreciate supporting Local business but C'mon guys and gals. Nice shop, nice concept, but with those prices, the everyday man will not be frequenting your store when the corner bodega by the Coastal gas station has bagels for 50 cents with creme cheese on them. When the novelty wears off, where with this business be? I hope not like so many other of the Main street businesses in Beacon, with a "Closed For Business" sign in the window.

3Minds

3Minds is a product and events company geart towards the LGBT community. They are the hosts of the Live, interactive Web show Gossip Bois that is on every Friday night at 10 pm East. @ www.my3minds.com