Forgive myself first..... Thankfully, God Forgives us all.

Ive been struggling lately friends. I have a serious problem. Besideds the real serious problem thats dominating my life, or rather, im trying not to let it dominate my life. Right now, I am working on forgiveness. The ability to forgive is one that evades alot of us. Personally, I find it so much easier to forgive someone for wrongs against me, than it is for me to forgive myself for the things that I have done.
I know that I serve a forgiving and Loving God, but  and I interject this 'but' with the utmost reverence for God's holiness. God Forgives, but do we? Do I? Ive recently uncovered a sense of unworthiness in myself that is stronger than any I have ever known. Ive spent my whole life enduring and making it from one tragedy to the next. In the midst, I've made some horrible choices, and set in motion a series of events that have taken control of my life. I pray for help for my children, for my loved ones, even for my pets, help me to provide for them, help me to be more self sufficient but I never prayed for forgiveness. It was brought to my attention last night that I never once confessed to God what exactly I need to be forgiven for. I think I had tried and convicted myself for the things that I have done, things that I have said, my reactions to certain situations, and even doomed myself from the beginning for my origin.
I was reminded of something that I already knew; that God is the Final Judge, I keep myself from judging others and yet convict and sentence myself. I allow guilt and fear and self judgement to defeat me. My moods fluctuate, my enthusiasm and thirst for life becomes stagnated by looking back.
The question: How can God forgive me when I cannot forgive myself? I have sent myself so far off track. I have not acheived one goal I set for myself, and year after year, I get further from a place in life I find acceptable for me and my family.  It has never been okay for me to just get by, Ive always strived for better, hoped for more, worked for the next level. But have never acheived it. To me, I feel I failed. I failed myself, my children, my mother's memory. And I must have failed God. This negative attitude has me beat before I start the race. Subconsciously, this feeling of defeat and unworthiness led me to sabotage many good opportunities in my life. Then, the recognition of this fuels more guilt. Its a visious cycle. One I pray I can break. I stay distracted, because thats the only way Im out of my own head.
So Pray I will, and continue to, I will ask for help with my areas of weakness. I have much more faith in others than I have in myself. I have a much greater capacity to forgive others than I do for myself. But If I dont forgive myself, then I dont allow room for God to forgive me. Because the guilt that consumes me will continue to lead me down the wrong path, fool me into making the wrong decisions. And convince me that Im getting my just deserves and trick me into thinking I don't deserve better.
Psalm 130:3 says "If you, O Lord, Kept a record of sins. Or Lord, who could stand?
v 4 says: But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.
I Have to remember I am a child of God, I am at his mercy, man can condem, try, and crucify you, but God will be the final Judge. If I just remember that God himself will forgive if I believe in my heart and trust in him, It will put me at ease, but not only that, It is true. Its not just a belief.
Psalm 18 says I love you O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my Rock, in whom I take refuge.
v 6 In my distress i called to the Lord, I cried to my God for help.
My cry came before him, into his ears.
v 16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me ot f eep waters,
v17 he rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
v18 They congronted me in the day of my disaste, but he lord was my support.
19. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.
I can take heart, because God forgives, even if I cannot forgive myself. I will work on it, though.
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