On my Mind

I was in love with what we were, not with what we had become. That was harder to let go.....It still is. Even when when Love is staring you in the face.

So, Halloween used to be my favorite day of the year, besides my birthday. I used to love dressing up, pretending to be someone or something else, knocking on door after door, shouting "Trick or Treat" getting the candy filled bags, checking it to make sure no crap was in there, eating my favorites first. Snickers, followed by Babyruth then tootsie rolls then smarties, then Take 5. The whole experience of it all became a ritual not just for Halloween, but Oct 31st was the anniversary of my wasband and my first official date. I remember October 31, 1996 we went out not dressed of course, but admired all the little kids dressed up and found something to blow up with the M80 we found. Yeah, I was a bit of a HoodRat on the low, Shhh. So, what??!!
So, Ive come full Circle. Since then Ive had 12 halloweens with him, 8 with our Daughter, 7 with our son, we always found some way to celebrate our special night. It was more special than our Marriage anniversary. It reminded us of a time when we were still friends, things were simple, no responsibilities, no bills, no growing apart, no strained relationship, no fights, no evictions, no restraining orders, no Family court, no criminal court, no Jail sentences. no "where did we go wrong" feeling. This is what Im left with. I dont know if I'll ever get over this. Truthfully. I cannot sit here in my right mind and boldface lie and say I do not miss Mr. I Loved the man I fell In love with. I Loved my friend. What happened, I do not know. I know, now that a marriage was not a smart move, but love at 16, 17 18, tells you that all you need is that person. and at 19 &20 it seems like all you need is that person in your world and all will be well. Depression, Anxiety, Mental abuse, physical abuse thrived in our relationship. It went both ways, I can honestly say this. I wanted It to work because it was supposed to, not because it was working. I didnt know how to make it work. I was not fully commited, because my ill mind had convinced me that It wouldnt anyway. I wasnt going to be happy I didnt deserve it. He didnt really want me. And in his rage, he found ways to hurt me and verbally stab me with my fears and insecurities. Im still a slave to the guilt of this failed union.
Here I sit, I have found a mutual love with a woman who I can see in her eyes and feel in her tone and touch that means every word and "I Love You" with every fiber of her being. To the very core of her understanding. and I cannot let go of what I failed at. Am I deserving of this love? Am I capable of loving her right? Will it last, or will I sabotage it the way I do everything good in my life because Im scared. As for him,  I dont even have the desire to be in an intimate relationship with a man anymore. I hadnt for a few years before the split, coming to terms with my sexuality was a big part of my independence. and this new chapter of my life. But the guilt of unfinished business keeps me stuck on the last page of the previous chapter. I had a hard time figuring out if i was really ever going to love someone else because i didnt feel as if I loved properly the first time. I was unfaithful, I was selfish, I was inconsiderate, I justified a poor attitude with the abuse and lack of support present for myself and the children. I put myself on a pedestal and put him down because I thought that would bring him up.    That didnt work. Then I tried playing the supportive, loving wife, always encouraging, positive, upbeat, never fleeting, focused. That didnt work. His spirit seemed broken. beyond repair. Did I do this? Was I not enough to inspire you to be the best man you can be? I began to doubt myself as a woman, as a wife, as a mother. What purpose am I serving? This thought process put me into a horrible spiral of depression, mania, and wreckless activitiy. I balanced my manic moods with downers, and my depressed moods with uppers. When he was taken suddenly to serve a jail sentence, I was left alone with the children to support us. I panicked, I trusted the wrong people. I made horrible mistakes,    My mental illness worsened. I believed I wasnt depressed anymore so I stopped taking my medications. because I wasnt feeling down, little did I know I was In a state of Mania brought on by the trauma  and stressful situation of not having him there, and side effects of prescribing a Bipolar person Antidepressants alone without mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. Even as dysfunctional as our union was, it was OUR UNION. I didnt know what to do by myself. He always told me I couldnt do it by myslef. I believed it.  I thought I was free, but that was only physically. Mentally, I was chained, confused, running wild, in a semi- controlled way. Ive learned that this is called "hypomanic"
   Outwardly I appeared put together. Sure, I paid bills, went on visits, kept money on the books and on the phone, at home I got the children up, dressed, to violin, school, camp. Got them bathed, cleaned house, did laundry fed the pets,I even got a new dog and hired a trainer so she would not be a nusance when he got home. I went to work, etc. To the naked eye I seemed to be holding it together. I never let on other wise. At night, I cried, I stayed up all night, I held my dog tight, I stared at my children as they slept, I paced the floors at night, I cleaned the floors barehanded on my knees just to do something with the manic energy. I cried some more. I yelled at the cats because they "meowed" because I was soo irritable. I contemplated sucicide, but was soo trapped It quickly flew out of my head. 
I felt so alone. Besides, who would take care of my babies? This situation was only temporary, he would be back. but then, when he did come back, then what? more "okay" for a little while, then back to fighting, aggravation, sexual frustration, money problems, lack of sufficient employment, another impending eviction, another move, maybe a reposession. My worse fears were being realized.
       My first priority was not to lose EVERYTHING. I had lost it all before. so many times already. We had lost so much. I had done the same thing to him left unexpectedly and he was unable to keep what we had. I came home to him and the kids and one bag of clothes. Gone were my Mothers Jewelry, The kids photo albums, baby pictures, my clothes, the house, my car, everything, we had us. Which of course was most important, but I was traumatized by loss of  homelessness 3 times already in life. Fires, loss of my parents, placement with relatives and friends of family due to physical abuse. I just didnt want it to happen again. This was not what i actively thought, it was like I was on Auto Pilot. I just acted.        
Whatever seemed like a good idea, thats what I did. I just wanted him to come home to things just the way he left them. kids, house, dog, car, clothes, etc. just as he left them. down to his Earl grey tea bags in the cabinet. All the while, I felt an eerie sense of freedom, no hovering, no questioning my every move, thought why i did or said this or that this way or why I drove the car like that, why I made the bed like that, why I dressed our daughter like this. Why I wore my makeup this way, why i cooked the food that way. No uncomfortable silence, no akward stares or questions or lack of conversation with my friends or family. 
     When I met hunny, she meshed well, she smiled she was welcomed she spoke, she joked, friends wanted to come over again, my house was full of life again. The dog actually got up off her bed and walked around the house. I had dinner parties, I entertained we had  outings with friends and when we went out everyone had a good time and laughed. no one critized eachother or felt uncomfortable.
           I decided that it was possible for the children and myself to be happy out from under the "norm". It could work. I could be happy and they could be too. Sure, they missed him, I did too, but the good began to outweigh the bad. and that was alright with me. I began to panic as it came closer to the time for him to come home. I began to cry again. panick attacks came in the night again. Mixed emotions. Still, I took no medications. I continued in therapy and even my therapist noticed the change in me. She said I was nervous, figity, I started toying with my dreadlocks and picking at my fingers in our sessions, which i hadnt done in months. She reccomended I go see the doctor. Id smile and said I would and didnt. I didt want the meds. I wasnt depressed! I still felt better than I had in years, so I didnt see the need.
This is the trick the BiPolar played on my mind. I thought I could handle the stress, the trauma and the strain. I was breaking and didnt want to admit it. I wanted to run but couldnt. I wanted to stay but couldnt. I felt trapped and this perpetuated my paranoia and panic. It left me reeling. I didnt know what to think, to do, what direction to go in. And to top it all off, I was neck deep in a situation that came about for the sole purpose of keeping the bills paid, trusting the wrong people. The very person who was supposed to help left me stuck and alone to face the music by myself. I was betrayed. Now my freedom on the line. The very situation I worked to tirelessly to avoid has manifested itself. Where does that leave me? Where does the leave my children? And now the father is feeling so victimized by my exit that he either refuses or is incapable of being effective in in the situation to help or be of any assistance. So again its back on me to keep things together. Mentally, i struggle with this daily. I feel like screaming everyday, all day. Hunny is already doing too much, I feel I have no right to ask more, there is no more that can be done. She has been here this whole time. first as my friend, then as my Love. now as my sole supporter. Do I deserve the love I get? I feel drained, I feel like I drain her. She swears I dont. She is stoic, quiet, strong, and loving. I pray for a miracle, a second rather a third chance. I have a purpose this time, an idea, a goal, dreams that I had let go of and was too scared to speak out loud. I have  a partner that I want to share these with. But my fear is that I will not be here to realize them. Daily I fight the fears that my luck or His Grace and Mercy may have run out for me. It makes the panic worse. The Pills dont work. because the situation has not gotten better. They are a temporary fix for a permanent situation. I try to keep the faith, but I have to be realistic. The reality is my hands are tied and I am a sitting duck. waiting for the other shoe to fall. Again.
 Halloween. Thoughts. I hate Halloween. It will never be the same for me.

Beacon Stuff- The Opening of Bank SQ Coffeehouse

I've Lived In Beacon, NY for about 5 years now. (this is already starting to sound like a 5th grade book report, sorry) But Ive always been one to appreciate little things, Local shops, restaurants, bakeries, etc. I got the idea while having a latte with my friend, Cheryl, aka The Funky Baker (http://www.thefunkybaker.com/) this mornin, to share some "Beacon Stuff" with my blog readers. I often reccommend the little shops and stores and frequent them to the point that I have to hide the reciepts from my hunny :) Or hear a lecture. But If I didnt go experience them, then how could I give an informed opinion and recommendation? Okay, Okay, so that is total bull, I would go anyway.
I was so sad when my most favoritest ( is that a word??) coffeehouse of all time, The Muddy cup went out of business. Im not sure what happened to it, but I loved their caramel Latte's, the Rasperry iced Tea, and the Giant chocolate chip cookies. Jordan and I would go in there every  Thursday and Friday morning after dropping Jackie off at her violin Lesson for some Mommy-n-me time.  And Sunday's after church Renee, Jackie, Jordan and I all would sit outside on the patio eating one of their Giant corn muffins or just relaxing. It had an atmosphere to it that was relaxing and fun, at the same time. My friends and I would meet for coffee after work almost daily and Its location right on the corner of Main Street, Just up from the train station was very conducive to commuter traffic, while being inviting to us locals. To see it go was almost like having an old friend move away. Anna and I had some heavy "girl talks" over Lattes on the patio. But I digress.......
 So, when I got word that Bank SQ Coffeehouse was to open up in its place, I was admittedly skeptical. I realized  Katie, the owner/operator of Mountain Tops the hiking gear store across the street was going to be the new owner of this coffeehouse. She also was the one who made my lattes on Friday Mornings when Lisa, the Muddy cup manager was off. I said, "PHEW, at least someone who knows how I like my latte!" I got sooooo spoiled by just walking in there and not having to say a word, she just knew what I wanted, made it perfectly everytime, and I had great conversation as well.
 So, I walk into Bank SQ and the first thing that hits me is the Brightness of it all! Gone, are the dark colors, the maroons, the blacks, the browns of the Old muddy cup, and in their place are bright yellow and white walls, large plasma screen TV's bright colored chalk board Selection menu, shiny new latte machine ( which I zoned in on) plenty of counter space! Yes! to add my millions of packets of sugar ( j/k, I love my teeth). Behind the counter was open, not cluttered, even the bathroom was brightly painted. The windows and sills werent too cluttered over with literature. The tables and chairs were small and numerous. And there was already a line!
Okay, Okay, I thought, so maybe I'll give it a try! I congratulated Katy and Buddy her husband on the opening, said hello to a few local Laborador dogs who came in with their owners ( This I love) This reminded me of when I used to frequent The Peekskill coffeehouse when it first opened with my dog, S.A.M. at my feet, a good book and a nice cup of coffee. Im in heaven already.
The next day, The Funky Baker and I go in for a Latte, again, a line, (good sign) Katy is bustin her hump and Buddy is too, while being as bright and cheery as the yellow on the walls. Im beginning to think its a 'lil too bright, but, it brightens up the dreary day outside, so anything resembling sunshine is right up my alley. More locals, and their dogs drift in, with babies in those uberfunky 3 wheeled hiking strollers. My Latte is Great! Yessss! Foam- Perfect, even the giant mugs are good quality.( I notice these things). And, when we went in today, the barrista gave me a saucer under my mug of Latte, yes, this matters. Where do you put your spoon/stirrers? not just on the napkin, nooo, it is proper to have a saucer under a mug.
My only point of dissatisfaction is the blueberry muffins, they seemed dry, not sweet enough and though I understand they are privately made and gluten free ( 50 years ago, nobody cared about glutens, but whatever) they could use an upgrade. The chocolate chip cookie the Anna's son had the other day was okay, though it could have done without the sea salt sprinkled on top. Today's scone was a bit dry and lacked some flavor. Perhaps think about carrying some pastries made by Cheryl, The Funky Baker  www.thefunkybaker.com for those of us who don't mind our glutens and more flavor ;) and for the extra-health conscious, keep the ones you currently carry.
Reasonably priced, though not reasonably enough to justify to Renee, but she understands my need for coffeehouse time. I am overall pleased with Bank Sq. Coffeehouse. I can see that I will be a regular there as much, if not more than I was at the Muddy cup.
Once again, Congrats on the opening Katy and Buddy, Keep up the good work. Contact The Funky Baker, and I'll see you guys after church on Sunday :)

Bank SQ Coffeehouse
129 Main St
Beacon, NY 12508

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My Fundraiser. Wanna help?????

CHOC’LAT CARES


http://www.arcs.org/

WINTER

FUNDRAISER

HOW

I will be making scarves and hats by hand. All colors available.

50% of proceeds will go to AIDS RELATED COMMUNITY SERVICES

To benefit AIDS and outreach programs for adults, children, family and friends affected by this disease.

Scarves-$15

Hats-$10



WHAT

AIDS-Related Community Services (ARCS) is the largest organization solely dedicated to providing HIV/AIDS services to people in New York's Hudson Valley region.



WHY
As a child, I lost my Mother and father to this disease, ARCS helped before, during and after this trying time, this organization. is near to my heart.

AND NOW,

Gov Paterson wants to cut another 10% of ARCS' budget, even after sustaining a $900K cut last year!


WHO

As a community WE must do all we can to Find a cure and help our Brothers and Sisters and their families living with HIV/AIDS.

Won’t you help?

For more info contact

Choclat @

sharluvstaz@yahoo.com

THIS FUNDRAISER IS SPONSORED BY: www.mychoclatmind.blogspot.com

My random thoughts... Pardon my psychobabble. Hehehehe :)

I recently had a discussion with a certain mental health professional regarding my theory on my life. Keep in mind, friends, that this discussion took place after a seemingly never ending series of unfortunate events.

Here's my theory: Some people are just not meant to be happy. Its in their cards that they must suffer, make poor judgment mistakes, and self sabotage any chance at true, lasting happiness. They will, from out the womb, be doomed to a life of unfortunate circumstances and their every attempt at gaining happiness will be thwarted and come undone right before their eyes, despite any effort they may make. These people only lived so that their existence could be looked upon as an example of what not to do, of all that could go wrong in one's life and yet still live, not become strung out on drugs, or a falling down drunk. A modern day Lot from the bible, if you will.

Sounds like a dreary existence, right?
I had convinced myself that I was one of these unfortunate people. I had resigned myself to the fact that no matter what progress I tried to make, or did make, I would either self sabotage or there would be an obstacle placed in the way that I could not move. And because of the mistakes I had already made, God Himself had turned a deaf ear to my cries for help and pleas for mercy. That the good times were short lived. "Just wait for the other shoe to fall, Sharley, I would say, its just your life. Just continue to show others how they can make it, be an example, but don't expect sustained happiness for yourself, its not in the cards."

From very early on, I stopped praying for deliverance, for help. I prayed for understanding, strength to endure and wisdom. And looking back, that is just what I got. You get what you pray for. I understand why I was born crack addicted, why my mom and I spent so many years homeless, why as soon as she decided to get clean and live life right, she's stricken with a disease which has no cure and I lose both her and my father at 12 to the same disease. I understand why every mother figure in my life has passed on, leaving a gaping hole in my heart that could be filled by no other. I understand why I spent years in an abusive relationship because I thought I had to since I said I would. "Stick to your word". I understand why I suffered emotional abuse, physical abuse, why there is mental illness prevalent in my life. I have endured the hardships that came my way, the disappointments, the trials, the tribulations, the false positives. I understand. I have been given life, health and 2 beautiful children despite my unworthiness to be an example to others, not to succeed myself. And the sooner I accepted this as my fate, the easier it was to deal with the events and circumstances in my life.

I seemed happy, full of life, smiling, achieving, seemed to be pushing forward, overcoming. Then.... the other shoe. See, I told you! It was just a matter of time. But there is no one to blame, its me, I am the illustrator of this book. God could not have set this in motion because its just too ridiculous to imagine! He cannot create this much confusion. I had to mess this one up myself. And mess it up I did.

But we (I) often forget about the enemy that IS the author of confusion. I forgot that when I let my guard down, let my mind be idle, the enemy did have a playground. I pulled away from my faith, thinking God was so unhappy with my choices that I was unworthy. Depression an anxiety ruled my life. Mania, hysteria, tantrums, irritation. Multiple suicide attempts, hospitalizations, diagnoses and prescriptions later I find myself in a black hole. Stuck in the biggest rut of my life. On the brink of bankruptcy, fighting for my sanity, the custody of my children, divorce from a marriage I knew I shouldn't have entered into in the first place and most of all, fighting for my freedom. It all seems so impossible. The more I pray the worse things get. The harder I try to straighten things out, the more crooked and convoluted the path becomes.

During these times, I feel so lonely, even when surrounded by friends and family; even a room full of people. I cry myself to sleep at night and smile all day. No one knows my internal struggle. In my house coming up, we kept our problems to ourselves. We didn't let on what went on behind our doors. So I knew best how to keep a smile amidst internal fury, rage, turmoil, confusion. Never did I think that this "coping mechanism" I thought I possessed was really a mental illness in disguise. So here I am, 4 diagnoses, 12 medications, 1 failed marriage, 1 jail sentence, 2 kids, 1 coming out story later...... Trying to regain my mind, and my life from the enemy. I want to succeed, but what I know in my heart and what my head believes are 2 different things altogether. I will keep trying listen to my heart, because that's where God Lives, Loves, Forgives and Heals; and if I have to shut out certain corners of my mind, then that's what I'll have to do... For now.
Thanks again for reading.
¤~Choc'latDoll~¤
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Im still praying for a Miracle, And Satan is as busy as ever!

So, I woke up this morning, to a rainy, fall day. Yet it was still beautiful. I said a quick prayer thanking God for waking me up today, and asked Him to direct my path this morning.
But wouldnt you know it, The Devil is always busy! He aint got nothing better to do than mess up what little progress we make. I dont claim to be the most righteous person, but Ive made some great strides in correcting certain Character defects I possess. The Good Lord has been Merciful and forgiving and continued to bless and keep me despite all my unworthiness. No sooner than we are blessed to tackle one obstacle, than another one presents itself.
So here I sit, stuck, I was working off extremely limited income, now its been reduced to miniscule, in a matter of minutes! I could cry, I could shout, I could throw a tantrum, scream "Woe is me". Will I?
Nope.
He is the Author of confusion, and just as I am trying to sort out my life, and get back on my feet, he has got to try to throw a monkey wrench in the works. Its not all his fault tho, no, its not! I have laid the groundwork for some pretty serious circumstances. In my manic states of mind, desperation, confusion, Ideas of Grandeur ruled. So, now, I must sit and deal with the mudslide I put in motion. I know I gave Satan ammo to use against me. But I also know I am loved by and have been forgiven by an Almighty God. So, cry, Nope Not one more tear of sorrow will fall from my eye. Bring it on Devil!
My Pastor has been preaching for the past 2 weeks on "How to Pray For a Miracle". He says there are 4 P's of how to do this. I'm finding that the more I persevere, the more things seem like they are coming down around me. But I know this is the picture my depressed mind would want me to see and succumb to.
Thank God, I have decided to Take back my mind. I'll share the "4 P's" with you before I go to wage war on these strongholds in my life.
1. Passion - When you pray for a miracle, Pray with Passion. Sincerity, Intensity. When you are in Pain, you cry out with passion. This Pain sometimes is a tool God uses (not inflicts) to put passion back into your prayer. You need this miracle, Pray for it like you mean it.
2.Persistence- Don't just pray once " Oh God help me, Amen" No, be persistent, keep praying, Don't stop, Fast, Pray, P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens
3.Precise- Be precise in what you are asking of God, He already knows what you need, yes, but Do You know? Don't be general and vague. You might just get a general and vague response. Remember He is a God of order.
4.Positive- Be positive, Claim your victory In Christ Jesus. He died for you already, the battle is already won. Just because you are being purified by the fires of your life, that doesn't mean that all is lost.
And don't forget to thank and Praise during the struggle. Remember you are already claiming victory over your obstacle. Praise like its been done already. Call things that be not as though they were. Have faith for it is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Faith is believing a thing is so even when it is not so, Until it becomes so.
James 5:16 : The Effectual, Fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
Have Faith like the woman with the issue of blood, have faith like the blind man on the side of the road to Jericho. Call out, Pray with passion, Persistence, be Precise, and Be Positive.
Well, out the door I go to enter yet another battle in the war for my freedom. But I will be positive. No tears will be shed today.
What is your Battle? What miracle are you praying for? Are you walking in your victory already? Or have you accepted defeat?
I'm sorry Satan, But my God did not give me a spirit of fear. Nor is my middle name "Give Up". Some people look at my situation as dire, maybe I'm one foot in behind bars, the other in the poorhouse. But My Father is Rich and Free, and thats how he wants me to be. So If I haven't given up, perhaps you should keep PUSHing too!
Love ChoclatDoll

Welcome

So this is what it feels like to share my thoughts with the masses? Honestly, I am surprised, yet greatly appreciative that you took the time to stop by and see what fell out of my head today.
Let me start by saying this, I am not a writer, not formally trained, at least. Nor am I a poet. I'm just good with words; a word smith If you will.
For much of my life I've been told to hush, be quiet, keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. This contributed to my current mental state. So now, I have found my voice, and will use it. This is my opinion, my feeling, my thought, my true emotion. I promise to hold nothing back as I would only be doing a disservice to myself.
The bible says to share your testimony so that others may be saved. This has always been in my heart. I'm not a religious nut, but I do know How Good My God Is! And up, and down, I will share. Its therapeutic for me, as the high priced therapists or the prescription writing psychiatrists will rather have you sitting in their chair or taking 3 white pills and 4 yellow ones 3 times a day to deal with your feelings. I've decided to Blog.
~*LOL*~ so, here it is. Enjoy, comment, be respectful, please, to others, say what you want to me, but remember your comments may help or hurt your unseen sister/brother. And return, often.
Thank you for your time
Choc'latDoll
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