Here's my theory: Some people are just not meant to be happy. Its in their cards that they must suffer, make poor judgment mistakes, and self sabotage any chance at true, lasting happiness. They will, from out the womb, be doomed to a life of unfortunate circumstances and their every attempt at gaining happiness will be thwarted and come undone right before their eyes, despite any effort they may make. These people only lived so that their existence could be looked upon as an example of what not to do, of all that could go wrong in one's life and yet still live, not become strung out on drugs, or a falling down drunk. A modern day Lot from the bible, if you will.
Sounds like a dreary existence, right?
I had convinced myself that I was one of these unfortunate people. I had resigned myself to the fact that no matter what progress I tried to make, or did make, I would either self sabotage or there would be an obstacle placed in the way that I could not move. And because of the mistakes I had already made, God Himself had turned a deaf ear to my cries for help and pleas for mercy. That the good times were short lived. "Just wait for the other shoe to fall, Sharley, I would say, its just your life. Just continue to show others how they can make it, be an example, but don't expect sustained happiness for yourself, its not in the cards."
From very early on, I stopped praying for deliverance, for help. I prayed for understanding, strength to endure and wisdom. And looking back, that is just what I got. You get what you pray for. I understand why I was born crack addicted, why my mom and I spent so many years homeless, why as soon as she decided to get clean and live life right, she's stricken with a disease which has no cure and I lose both her and my father at 12 to the same disease. I understand why every mother figure in my life has passed on, leaving a gaping hole in my heart that could be filled by no other. I understand why I spent years in an abusive relationship because I thought I had to since I said I would. "Stick to your word". I understand why I suffered emotional abuse, physical abuse, why there is mental illness prevalent in my life. I have endured the hardships that came my way, the disappointments, the trials, the tribulations, the false positives. I understand. I have been given life, health and 2 beautiful children despite my unworthiness to be an example to others, not to succeed myself. And the sooner I accepted this as my fate, the easier it was to deal with the events and circumstances in my life.
I seemed happy, full of life, smiling, achieving, seemed to be pushing forward, overcoming. Then.... the other shoe. See, I told you! It was just a matter of time. But there is no one to blame, its me, I am the illustrator of this book. God could not have set this in motion because its just too ridiculous to imagine! He cannot create this much confusion. I had to mess this one up myself. And mess it up I did.
But we (I) often forget about the enemy that IS the author of confusion. I forgot that when I let my guard down, let my mind be idle, the enemy did have a playground. I pulled away from my faith, thinking God was so unhappy with my choices that I was unworthy. Depression an anxiety ruled my life. Mania, hysteria, tantrums, irritation. Multiple suicide attempts, hospitalizations, diagnoses and prescriptions later I find myself in a black hole. Stuck in the biggest rut of my life. On the brink of bankruptcy, fighting for my sanity, the custody of my children, divorce from a marriage I knew I shouldn't have entered into in the first place and most of all, fighting for my freedom. It all seems so impossible. The more I pray the worse things get. The harder I try to straighten things out, the more crooked and convoluted the path becomes.
During these times, I feel so lonely, even when surrounded by friends and family; even a room full of people. I cry myself to sleep at night and smile all day. No one knows my internal struggle. In my house coming up, we kept our problems to ourselves. We didn't let on what went on behind our doors. So I knew best how to keep a smile amidst internal fury, rage, turmoil, confusion. Never did I think that this "coping mechanism" I thought I possessed was really a mental illness in disguise. So here I am, 4 diagnoses, 12 medications, 1 failed marriage, 1 jail sentence, 2 kids, 1 coming out story later...... Trying to regain my mind, and my life from the enemy. I want to succeed, but what I know in my heart and what my head believes are 2 different things altogether. I will keep trying listen to my heart, because that's where God Lives, Loves, Forgives and Heals; and if I have to shut out certain corners of my mind, then that's what I'll have to do... For now.
Thanks again for reading.
¤~Choc'latDoll~¤
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed
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