On my Mind

I was in love with what we were, not with what we had become. That was harder to let go.....It still is. Even when when Love is staring you in the face.

So, Halloween used to be my favorite day of the year, besides my birthday. I used to love dressing up, pretending to be someone or something else, knocking on door after door, shouting "Trick or Treat" getting the candy filled bags, checking it to make sure no crap was in there, eating my favorites first. Snickers, followed by Babyruth then tootsie rolls then smarties, then Take 5. The whole experience of it all became a ritual not just for Halloween, but Oct 31st was the anniversary of my wasband and my first official date. I remember October 31, 1996 we went out not dressed of course, but admired all the little kids dressed up and found something to blow up with the M80 we found. Yeah, I was a bit of a HoodRat on the low, Shhh. So, what??!!
So, Ive come full Circle. Since then Ive had 12 halloweens with him, 8 with our Daughter, 7 with our son, we always found some way to celebrate our special night. It was more special than our Marriage anniversary. It reminded us of a time when we were still friends, things were simple, no responsibilities, no bills, no growing apart, no strained relationship, no fights, no evictions, no restraining orders, no Family court, no criminal court, no Jail sentences. no "where did we go wrong" feeling. This is what Im left with. I dont know if I'll ever get over this. Truthfully. I cannot sit here in my right mind and boldface lie and say I do not miss Mr. I Loved the man I fell In love with. I Loved my friend. What happened, I do not know. I know, now that a marriage was not a smart move, but love at 16, 17 18, tells you that all you need is that person. and at 19 &20 it seems like all you need is that person in your world and all will be well. Depression, Anxiety, Mental abuse, physical abuse thrived in our relationship. It went both ways, I can honestly say this. I wanted It to work because it was supposed to, not because it was working. I didnt know how to make it work. I was not fully commited, because my ill mind had convinced me that It wouldnt anyway. I wasnt going to be happy I didnt deserve it. He didnt really want me. And in his rage, he found ways to hurt me and verbally stab me with my fears and insecurities. Im still a slave to the guilt of this failed union.
Here I sit, I have found a mutual love with a woman who I can see in her eyes and feel in her tone and touch that means every word and "I Love You" with every fiber of her being. To the very core of her understanding. and I cannot let go of what I failed at. Am I deserving of this love? Am I capable of loving her right? Will it last, or will I sabotage it the way I do everything good in my life because Im scared. As for him,  I dont even have the desire to be in an intimate relationship with a man anymore. I hadnt for a few years before the split, coming to terms with my sexuality was a big part of my independence. and this new chapter of my life. But the guilt of unfinished business keeps me stuck on the last page of the previous chapter. I had a hard time figuring out if i was really ever going to love someone else because i didnt feel as if I loved properly the first time. I was unfaithful, I was selfish, I was inconsiderate, I justified a poor attitude with the abuse and lack of support present for myself and the children. I put myself on a pedestal and put him down because I thought that would bring him up.    That didnt work. Then I tried playing the supportive, loving wife, always encouraging, positive, upbeat, never fleeting, focused. That didnt work. His spirit seemed broken. beyond repair. Did I do this? Was I not enough to inspire you to be the best man you can be? I began to doubt myself as a woman, as a wife, as a mother. What purpose am I serving? This thought process put me into a horrible spiral of depression, mania, and wreckless activitiy. I balanced my manic moods with downers, and my depressed moods with uppers. When he was taken suddenly to serve a jail sentence, I was left alone with the children to support us. I panicked, I trusted the wrong people. I made horrible mistakes,    My mental illness worsened. I believed I wasnt depressed anymore so I stopped taking my medications. because I wasnt feeling down, little did I know I was In a state of Mania brought on by the trauma  and stressful situation of not having him there, and side effects of prescribing a Bipolar person Antidepressants alone without mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. Even as dysfunctional as our union was, it was OUR UNION. I didnt know what to do by myself. He always told me I couldnt do it by myslef. I believed it.  I thought I was free, but that was only physically. Mentally, I was chained, confused, running wild, in a semi- controlled way. Ive learned that this is called "hypomanic"
   Outwardly I appeared put together. Sure, I paid bills, went on visits, kept money on the books and on the phone, at home I got the children up, dressed, to violin, school, camp. Got them bathed, cleaned house, did laundry fed the pets,I even got a new dog and hired a trainer so she would not be a nusance when he got home. I went to work, etc. To the naked eye I seemed to be holding it together. I never let on other wise. At night, I cried, I stayed up all night, I held my dog tight, I stared at my children as they slept, I paced the floors at night, I cleaned the floors barehanded on my knees just to do something with the manic energy. I cried some more. I yelled at the cats because they "meowed" because I was soo irritable. I contemplated sucicide, but was soo trapped It quickly flew out of my head. 
I felt so alone. Besides, who would take care of my babies? This situation was only temporary, he would be back. but then, when he did come back, then what? more "okay" for a little while, then back to fighting, aggravation, sexual frustration, money problems, lack of sufficient employment, another impending eviction, another move, maybe a reposession. My worse fears were being realized.
       My first priority was not to lose EVERYTHING. I had lost it all before. so many times already. We had lost so much. I had done the same thing to him left unexpectedly and he was unable to keep what we had. I came home to him and the kids and one bag of clothes. Gone were my Mothers Jewelry, The kids photo albums, baby pictures, my clothes, the house, my car, everything, we had us. Which of course was most important, but I was traumatized by loss of  homelessness 3 times already in life. Fires, loss of my parents, placement with relatives and friends of family due to physical abuse. I just didnt want it to happen again. This was not what i actively thought, it was like I was on Auto Pilot. I just acted.        
Whatever seemed like a good idea, thats what I did. I just wanted him to come home to things just the way he left them. kids, house, dog, car, clothes, etc. just as he left them. down to his Earl grey tea bags in the cabinet. All the while, I felt an eerie sense of freedom, no hovering, no questioning my every move, thought why i did or said this or that this way or why I drove the car like that, why I made the bed like that, why I dressed our daughter like this. Why I wore my makeup this way, why i cooked the food that way. No uncomfortable silence, no akward stares or questions or lack of conversation with my friends or family. 
     When I met hunny, she meshed well, she smiled she was welcomed she spoke, she joked, friends wanted to come over again, my house was full of life again. The dog actually got up off her bed and walked around the house. I had dinner parties, I entertained we had  outings with friends and when we went out everyone had a good time and laughed. no one critized eachother or felt uncomfortable.
           I decided that it was possible for the children and myself to be happy out from under the "norm". It could work. I could be happy and they could be too. Sure, they missed him, I did too, but the good began to outweigh the bad. and that was alright with me. I began to panic as it came closer to the time for him to come home. I began to cry again. panick attacks came in the night again. Mixed emotions. Still, I took no medications. I continued in therapy and even my therapist noticed the change in me. She said I was nervous, figity, I started toying with my dreadlocks and picking at my fingers in our sessions, which i hadnt done in months. She reccomended I go see the doctor. Id smile and said I would and didnt. I didt want the meds. I wasnt depressed! I still felt better than I had in years, so I didnt see the need.
This is the trick the BiPolar played on my mind. I thought I could handle the stress, the trauma and the strain. I was breaking and didnt want to admit it. I wanted to run but couldnt. I wanted to stay but couldnt. I felt trapped and this perpetuated my paranoia and panic. It left me reeling. I didnt know what to think, to do, what direction to go in. And to top it all off, I was neck deep in a situation that came about for the sole purpose of keeping the bills paid, trusting the wrong people. The very person who was supposed to help left me stuck and alone to face the music by myself. I was betrayed. Now my freedom on the line. The very situation I worked to tirelessly to avoid has manifested itself. Where does that leave me? Where does the leave my children? And now the father is feeling so victimized by my exit that he either refuses or is incapable of being effective in in the situation to help or be of any assistance. So again its back on me to keep things together. Mentally, i struggle with this daily. I feel like screaming everyday, all day. Hunny is already doing too much, I feel I have no right to ask more, there is no more that can be done. She has been here this whole time. first as my friend, then as my Love. now as my sole supporter. Do I deserve the love I get? I feel drained, I feel like I drain her. She swears I dont. She is stoic, quiet, strong, and loving. I pray for a miracle, a second rather a third chance. I have a purpose this time, an idea, a goal, dreams that I had let go of and was too scared to speak out loud. I have  a partner that I want to share these with. But my fear is that I will not be here to realize them. Daily I fight the fears that my luck or His Grace and Mercy may have run out for me. It makes the panic worse. The Pills dont work. because the situation has not gotten better. They are a temporary fix for a permanent situation. I try to keep the faith, but I have to be realistic. The reality is my hands are tied and I am a sitting duck. waiting for the other shoe to fall. Again.
 Halloween. Thoughts. I hate Halloween. It will never be the same for me.